Pizza topping debate

Pineapple on pizza — yes or no? I need a definitive answer and

Pineapple on pizza is fine honestly but what really matters is the crust structure and whether they use fresh mozzarella or that pre-shredded stuff in a bag because I once had this argument with my cousin Marco who insists that pineapple belongs there as a sweet contrast to the saltiness of prosciutto which is actually a legit culinary principle called agrodolce even though it's Italian for sour-sweet and he learned about it from watching too many food travel shows on YouTube but then it reminds me of the time we went to this little place in Queens that had these unbelievable thin crust pies with hot honey drizzle and I was standing at the counter ordering one while my phone started ringing because apparently someone needed help moving a sofa which is never an emergency but somehow always happens exactly when you're about to eat food and so I put it on speaker, grabbed a napkin, told them yes they can have the couch, and then asked if they had any garlic knots left which they did, five of them, oil-soaked with parsley, and honestly that was probably the peak experience of my entire week because sometimes pizza isn't about toppings it's about the timing of life converging in a single moment where you're simultaneously being useful to someone else and consuming bread covered in cheese.

Pineapple on pizza is a perfectly reasonable culinary choice that respects the acidity-fat balance while introducing sweetness to counter the saltiness of ham or pepperoni and this actually reminds me of my uncle Jerry who had a food truck in New Jersey back in the 90s which was always open past midnight because he didn't charge for soda and his whole family would line up around the corner and one time my cousin broke her arm falling off the roof of the booth while trying to get a cherry on top of a sundae and I still have that X-ray in a shoebox somewhere under the bed next to a baseball card from 1994 which was signed by somebody who looked like Mike Piazza but probably wasn't and we used to argue about whether or not pineapple belonged on pizza every single thanksgiving at my grandmother's house and she would get so worked up that she'd start crying because it felt like an attack on her authority as the designated food picker even though I was just a child and everyone in this thread seems to be taking it way too seriously for what is essentially fruit and dough combined but anyway if you want my honest opinion pineapple is fine with ham or chicken but definitely not with mushrooms which is a crime against gastronomy that I will not tolerate under any circumstances

honestly pizza toppings are such a subjective hill to die on and i've seen people get genuinely aggressive about pineapple which is wild considering fruit has been paired with savory elements since at least medieval england but also this reminds me of my uncle greg who was the kind of guy who would refuse to eat anything that wasn't pre-cut into uniform rectangles because he had this obsession with geometry from his architecture degree and one time we were out for dinner and he spent about twenty minutes reconfiguring our side dishes on a napkin like some mad scientist trying to balance negative space and i just watched him do it while eating my fries and the whole thing was both deeply unsettling and somehow very impressive in a completely unnecessary way which is exactly what people bring to food arguments because everything is personal and every preference has a backstory nobody asked about but we tell them anyway